Updated: Apr 1
A huge congratulations to Fernando Yamasaki on his promotion to 7th degree Coral Belt. Those of us who've had the pleasure to train with Fernando know he's not big on titles, but today he officially achieved the rank of Master, so I'll have to embarrass him a little and address him by his new title.
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Stop cutting your nails
Bonus points if you shoot collar grips from a distance or work leg pummels
Stop showering
Don’t use deodorant
Walk on the mat with your shoes
Walk on the floor with your bare feet, then step back on the mat
Have some intimate “alone time” before class and don’t wash your hands
Use a gi without washing it
Regularly add raw garlic cloves to your diet
Wear spats, with no second layer
Stop brushing your teeth
Bonus points if you mouth breathe next to your partner’s face in back control
Get a pin and then just sit there with your weight on top and don’t try to advance/submit
Only go for wrist locks
Take grips and inside position between the slap and bump
Use the wall, edge of the mat, or other people sparring next to you, to control your opponents movement and finish a pass/sweep/submission
Always roll like it’s the finals of the world championship
Bonus points if you are 30+ lbs heavier or 10+ years younger than your partner
Move your partner around by cranking on their fingers
Punch/kick your partner and when they complain tell them you were just pushing them
Use the oil check
Coach tap
Throw a temper tantrum when you get tapped
Grind your elbow on your partner’s face to get the choke
Grow your hair out and don’t tie it up
Don’t wear a rash guard and drag your sweaty, hairy chest across your partner’s face
Cultivate five o’clock shadow and grind it into your partner’s face to turn their head
Ask to go light, then go 100% after the first 10 seconds
Go 1000% for 60 seconds, then sit out for the remainder of the round to catch your breath
Learn 3 moves, just keep trying to get them, and never expand your game
Bonus points if you can keep this up for over a decade
Double bonus points if you ignore your professor’s pleas to try something new and then ask them when you’re going to get promoted
Make excuses before you shake hands so your partner knows any submissions he gets on you don’t really count
Stop sparring and throw a temper tantrum any time your partner inadvertently bumps you, pokes you, or taps you with something you don’t know
Fake an injury to get out of a bad position
Drip sweat directly into your partner’s eyes or mouth
Instead of grabbing the gi, grab a handful of your partner’s skin
Use pressure points
Bonus points if you tell people you do them because you’re a street fighter
Beat the crap out of new people
Bonus points for neck cranks, heel hooks, and grinding your elbow in their face
Don’t cover scabs and wear a rough gi, so you bleed all over everyone
Hold a submission after the tap just to make sure your partner knows you won
Celebrate after tapping someone
Try to open the closed guard by driving your elbows into your partner’s thighs
Go for submission when you’re inside the closed guard
Wear a cup and use it as a fulcrum for armbars and kneebars
Bonus points if you hip thrust it into your partner’s lower back in back mount
Explain how the submission you’re in wouldn't work in da streetz, MMA, or broadsword combat
Play really slow and loose and light until you get your sneaky collar grips in, then maximum effort
Keep score out loud every time you advance position
Complain a submission is not IBJJF legal and therefore didn't count
Bonus points if you don't compete in IBJJF competitions
Refer to others of your belt rank as “The White Belts,” “The Blue Belts,” etc as though you outrank them
Treat lower belts like dirt
Bonus points if you demand “respect” when they stand up for themselves
Brag about who you tapped
Complain about someone else’s promotion
Bonus points if they consistently tap you
Don’t give a reaction to your partner when they’re working a setup that requires a reaction
Give so much resistance to your partner that the move they’re trying to learn doesn’t work
Bonus points if you find a way to say “see, I told you it doesn’t work”
Tell your partner all the ways they’re doing a technique wrong on their first drilling rep
Drill the technique 2 or 3 times, then insist you’ve got it and don’t need to drill it any more
Bonus points if instead of stopping, you work on a new technique from Keenan Online instead of what you’re professor is teaching
Make fun of students who ask questions
Spend half of class on warm-up exercises -- if we wanted to workout we would have signed up for CrossFit instead of BJJ
Promote yourself to junior professor and provide unsolicited corrections/suggestions to your teammates
Bonus points if, when called out by your professor, you blame it on the student you’re correcting for asking you to help
Double bonus points for using a fake Portuguese accent
Pull everyone aside after class to demonstrate a gimmicky technique you found on the internet
Have a bunch of unwritten rules and enforce them with beatings
Ignore your demonstration partner’s tap when explaining a technique
Provide unsolicited coaching to people who outrank you
Teach techniques you saw online, but haven’t pulled off in sparring
Fart while demonstrating the triangle choke
Cheer against your teammates opponent rather than for your teammate
Get your whole crew together to mock the guy you just tapped
Shout over your professor to coach your teammates
Bonus points if your instructions contradict your professor’s
Heckle the referee
Bonus points if your teammate is disqualified as a result of your heckling
Offer to drive your teammates to the tournament, then no-show
Offer to drive your teammates from the tournament, then leave without them
Offer your teammate some of your “banned substance containing” pre-workout
Bonus points if they get stripped of their medal
Ignore a verbal tap and wait for the ref to call “parou” before you release an inside heel hook
This list is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, so I’ve intentionally left out anything having to do with sexual harassment and assualt. I don’t want to minimize the seriousness of those actions by lumping them in with basic hygiene.
Refuse to roll with women
Bonus points if you direct people to a YouTube video that explains why
Only roll with women
Don’t use strength until you get caught in a submission, then power your way out
Mansplain technique
Bonus points if she outranks you
What did I miss? Let me know in the comments.
A special thank you to Bunty Bhatia, Ann Mullen, Shuofei Yang, Gary Raydon, Chris Lovelace and Sean Lynch… your suggestions have been added to the list!
Updated: Apr 1
Can anyone do Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? The short answer is no... but anyone who wants it enough can do Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
When training Jiu-Jitsu you will suffer physically, mentally, and emotionally. You will get bumps and bruises. You will have days when your most trusted techniques stop working. There will be times when people who are newer, smaller, or weaker than you tap you out. Most people can't handle this, but the ones who can will become more powerful and capable than they could have imagined.
Training Jiu-Jitsu will make you:
confident, but humble
strong, but gentle
tough, but kind
resilient, but flexible
unrelenting, but adaptable
More importantly, you will make lifelong friendships and be part of a community with other people who are on the same journey.
If you've made it this far, Jiu-Jitsu is likely for you. Call, text, or email the gym and schedule a free intro class. If you have concerns about a physical limitation you have, please let us know and we'll work with you so that you are able to train around it.